Talking to Kids About Weight

September is Childhood Obesity Awareness month and we are taking a quick look at what matters when talking to your kids about weight.

A woman remembers being 9 years old and taken to a weight loss support group meeting with her mother. Another remembers the time her pediatrician told her parents she was ‘obese’ and ‘in real trouble’ when she was 11. A man shares the humiliation he felt when he was publicly weighed in front of his entire class on a scale in his elementary school gym during the Presidential fitness challenge week. In most of these circumstances, such memories caused intense feelings of shame that has followed these individuals for years. Maybe you have your own experience like these…a time when your weight was a topic of conversation during your early years, and it didn’t feel good.  

The topic of weight can be a highly sensitive one, but when we start talking about kids and weight, the conversation is even more amplified. With good reason. For years, we have heard clients retelling tales like those shared above; examples of their earliest and most painful memories about their weight. In many cases, such experiences are the traumatic foundation on which decades of internalized weight bias is formed. (For more on internalized weight bias, see Dr. Pashby’s discussion available at the National Library of Medicine here).

We know that kids, particularly as they age into tween and teen years, are highly sensitive to perceived criticism and judgement. Who isn’t, right? So, what should you do if you are worried about your child’s weight but want to try to have a conversation in a gentle and non-shaming way? Of course, there is no single right way to have such conversations because they are highly dependent on the individual child, the family dynamics and more. But there are some key starting points for most of these conversations. The first and most important step is for you, as the parent/adult/loved one, to stop and take a hard look at what is behind your concern. Are you worried about your child because of health (e.g., your son’s glucose is high) or because of appearance? This plea for self-reflection is not meant to shame you – it is meant to encourage you take a serious and thoughtful look at why you are worried about your child’s weight.

See, it is highly likely that you have been exposed to many negative stereotypes about weight throughout your life too, including those that incorrectly correlate a person’s body shape and size with their value, worth, abilities or health. If you do some self-reflection and realize that your worry about your child is based more on concerns about them ‘fitting in’ or looking a certain way, then there is some good news—you are on your way to reducing your own weight bias. It isn’t too late to start to dismantle such harmful beliefs in yourself, and doing so will help you support your kids, too. (For more on how to untangle your own weight bias, listen to Dr. Pashby’s podcast recording from a few years back here). Recognizing weight bias is a key first step to making a conscious choice to change. It is true that excess adipose (fat) tissue can be related to several important physical and mental health outcomes, yet it is still critical not to catastrophize a child’s weight. It won’t help. What will help is finding a medical care team of trained specialists such as a registered dietitian, an endocrinologist, a pediatrician and a mental health specialist who has experience in weight and body image related concerns. (Similarly, getting support for yourself to help heal from any internalized weight bias you have, too.) And, when you discuss weight with the young people in your life, use words that focus on health, overall wellbeing, and small, achievable goals. Be a role model for good self-care, including getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, moving your body in a healthy way, and managing your own stress. Kids are always watching; how you treat yourself and the words you use to describe your own body matter a lot. For a full list of conversation starters and specific ‘what to say’ ideas you can check out the guide that was produced by the Stop Obesity Alliance here.

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photo credit: www.obesityaction.org